Six months passed. Six months of misery. Six months of going nuts. Stiles was hanging on by a thread.
I miss you.
I miss you, too, idiot.
Thanks. That makes me feel so much better.
I know what would make you feel better for sure.
Come on. You know you like it.
Yeah, man. He did. He jerked off a hell of a lot. Before texting. After texting. During texting.
He didn´t tell Derek that, though. Mm. He was sure Derek knew anyway. That turned him on like crazy. Hey! He was seventeen. He was entitled to feel horny all the time.
Malia´s dad doesn´t like me.
Feeling better now?
No. He was suffering like a dog in heat, though Derek´s absence wasn´t the only reason.
Malia is mad at me because I told Liam about her going to summer school.
You shouldn´t have. Hales are sensitive concerning personal stuff.
You don´t say.
Right. Malia was treating him like a stranger. He wondered why she hadn´t broken up with him yet, and Lydia was making eyes at Parrish. The worst was Scott, though. His best friend criticized him constantly and preferred to bond with Liam.
Derek was the only one he was more or less talking to these days. He still cared for Lydia, but wasn´t willing to spill his heart to her anymore. He wasn´t willing to spill his heart to anyone anymore. That hurt too much. He feared the nogitsune had left him a lot more damaged than he thought.
Kissing Malia feels more and more awkward.
Stop kissing her then.
You know I am.
That´s so sweet.
He turned moody and anxious. He feared losing Scott and all his friends. Well. He had lost Derek, hadn´t he?
Today we wrote our initials on a shelf in the school's library. I noticed two letters. D. H.
Yeah? Could be anyone´s.
Sure, you jerk. That´s not the point.
What´s the point?
How much I want you back. How much I´m suffering being apart.
Okay. Fine. Got it.
He didn´t say he almost started crying. He didn´t say he wrote his own initials close to Derek´s. He didn´t say he was giving himself a treat right now. God, I need you back. Please, come back. He was rubbing one out that felt more like pain than pleasure. Oh, shit! Ah! God, Derek, I need to stop. Oh, here I go again. Holy Shit! Why can´t I stop? What is wrong with me? Why am I doing this to myself?
I hate the new guy. Theo. He´s such an asshole.
What´s the problem?
I don´t trust him.
He´s suspicious. He´s bad news.
Give the guy a chance.
Scott said I don´t trust anyone.
Well, you didn´t trust me either, remember?
Not true, wolfman. You didn´t trust me.
I didn´t trust anybody.
I hate you.
He didn´t say how much Scott´s allegation had hurt him. He didn´t say that Scott had mentioned Derek´s name while accusing him of trusting no one. He didn´t say he had screamed and smashed his fist into the Jeep. He had hurt himself badly. Damn! He was fucking miserable.
Well, he had good reasons. Theo was breaking into the pack, and Scott just let him. Malia turned away from him, and he just let her. His dad had taken off his wedding ring, and didn´t say why. Yeah. His life. The usual fucking mess.
Theo really bugs me. The creep even tries to befriend me. Fuck him. He´s all nice talk blah, blah, blah. Does he think I´m stupid?
Nobody could think that.
Right. You never did that back then. Sugarcoating me. Okay, you never were friendly, duh.
Sure. I just sucked you off.
I held you close to make you feel better.
I kissed you plenty.
Stop. You´re making me sad.
No. Derek didn´t come back nor did he say he ever would. Texting a few words every week was all he had left of Derek. He never called Derek because he didn´t want to hear his voice and re-open wounds that hadn´t even begun to heal. Sure. His friends noticed he was not himself, particularly Scott. His best friend never said, though he might be suffering because Derek had left town.
Stiles knew his wolf friends could scent his misery. Once even Liam caught on, but related those feelings to Theo, not him. Once more he got away with lying.
My dad went on a date and didn´t tell me who with. So unfair. I even joked about him dating a man to lure him out of his shell. My guess is Melissa. Uh. No. That would be awkward.
Unfair, huh? Did you ever tell him about us?
That´s not the same, okay?
I don´t know.
Nice to know you´re thinking about my ass.
Braeden sent a message about the desert wolf. The horrible things the creature was doing. He told Scott. He couldn´t hide how much he worried. Scott asked him to stop. Why couldn´t he tell Scott? Hey, man, Derek and me, you know, we are kind of a thing. No. He pretended to be cool and free of fear. Crap! He was so used to doing that he almost didn´t know anymore what was real and what was fake.
Guess what? I was hit by a kanima tail. Yeah. Not cool. I was paralyzed again. Worse. Theo helped me to get up. Yuck! The creep dared to touch me.
Lydia was seriously injured. Theo saved her using first aid. I couldn´t move. I couldn´t breathe. I was useless. I hate Theo. I hate being useless. Why can´t I have supernatural powers, huh? Why not?
No reply from Derek. Not a peep. He wasn´t worried, though. Derek had promised to keep in touch. Right.
I did something horrible.
I hurt someone.
I killed someone.
I fled the scene.
The worst was the blood. All the blood. And his eyes. Those frightened cold eyes. Judging me.
No. He couldn´t tell. Not like that. Not with a text. Oh God. He killed Donovan. He killed a human. How should he deal with that? How could he tell anyone? What would his friends think about him? What would his dad think?
I didn´t tell you everything yet. Donovan´s body disappeared.
Breathe! God dammit! Breathe!
I don´t know if his death actually happened. I don´t know if that night was just one of my freaky dreams. I´m not sure about much anymore. The nogitsune did more to me than I´d realized. I ask myself what is worse; being a murderer or being insane.
My dad suspects something is going on. I feel like shit lying to him. I wish I could tell him everything. I wish you were here.
Please. I need you.
No. He didn´t push the send button. He kept all the secrets to himself. He kept hidden in the dark.
The cut in his chest from the kanima healed fast but not the bite mark of the boy he had killed. He was branded by his crime. The good thing was that the injury was proof something must have happened that night. He wasn´t losing his mind, right?
Malia noticed the mark because he kept rubbing the spot. For a second he thought she was talking about Derek´s love bite. Ha. Pathetic. As if that was even possible months later. Crap! He couldn´t be more in denial. He couldn´t be more lost.
Malia lied to me. Okay. I lied to her, too.
I lied to her all the times I was messing around with you.
I can understand why she´s turning away from me. Not that we have a healthy relationship. Not that what we have is normal. Can I still say that? We. Are we still an item? Are you still thinking about me? Will you ever get in touch with me again?
At night the nogitsune came back haunting him in his dreams. He woke up gasping in fear but smothered every scream because he didn´t want to worry his dad. He kept his agonies under control. He was alone but for the ghost of the nogitsune waiting for him to go insane.
Though Derek had stopped texting back he continued sending him messages. He needed to do that, like he needed to breathe. He needed to spill his feelings because that was the one and only thing he had left to feel connected to Derek. God, love shouldn´t do that to you. Love shouldn´t make you feel like you´re losing it. Yeah, craziness ran in his veins, and he knew where it came from.
Holy Crap! He was lucky he didn´t get burnt alive in the fucking fire. The Jeep, his baby, bore the brunt though. Yeah, whatever. He was alive. The creep had saved him. Fucking Theo Raeken.
Theo didn´t share his fury. "Who is D.H.?" he said casually, as if they were out for a walk, and had not just escaped total disaster caused by a hellhound.
"What?" he hawked up. No, no, no.
"The initials were on top in your phone contacts," Theo said, a vicious grin on his face. "Do your girls know they only come second?"
"I don´t know what you´re talking about." Stiles scowled. Crap! Theo was the one who moved the body. He checked my phone, too. He was the one stalking me.
"Sure, you do. D. H.´s last saved message reads I love you, idiot." The shit-eating grin didn´t drop off Theo´s face. "So? Who is it? I´ll find out, you know."
He cringed because Theo, the guy he hated so much, was the one person who had read the most endearing words Derek had ever said to him. "Yeah, good luck with that." Hey. Get real. Derek never said them. He just texted them, the asshole. He´s not worth your suffering. Yet his longing for Derek increased to a damaging level. He wanted to call out his name. He wanted Derek to appear out of nowhere and shred Theo to pieces. "There is nothing to find. Nothing at all." Fuck, yeah. Nobody actually knew about him and Derek. Theo could ask anyone. No one could tell about him and Derek because nobody knew a damn thing. Okay. Not true. Scott did know, but that didn´t matter. He would never tell. Yeah? Are you sure? Isn´t Theo Scott´s new best friend? What about Liam? Don´t forget he caught you two kissing in the van. Lydia knows, too. Oh, shut up.
Stiles didn´t say any more but ditched him.
Okay. There is something I need to tell you. About my mom.
I was eight years old when she got sick.
"Oh god. Mom." The most bittersweet memories swept over him. Those of happy days, the days before she cried and screamed, before she thought he was her worst enemy. "I miss you so much."
She was suffering from dementia.
She could cook like a chef. She could sing like a bird. She told the best bedtime stories. God. Stop it. Don´t do this to yourself.
She thought I was a monster and was out to kill her. Funny, huh?
No. Not funny at all. He would never forget the pain of losing her, the pain of being her worst nightmare. Yet he loved her and never stopped loving her.
Right. I feared for my mental health even before the nogitsune came along and brought me to the brink of insanity. That´s why I can´t let a guy like Theo get close to me. That´s why I keep away from strangers.
Theo thought he could earn his trust by telling him about his sister. As if! He didn´t believe a word coming out of Theo´s mouth. He was a snake winding himself into every heart only to poison them. Theo wanted to know you in order to destroy you. He was not falling for that trick.
Not from you though, Derek. No. Never from you. Isn´t that kind of scary, too?
He was still in shock when things turned worse. Liam and Hayden went missing. Scott forced his claws into Cody to make him remember the location of the doctors. That was unlike Scott. In the past he never would have done such a cruel thing to a human. Scott must be out of his mind.
Well. That was all Theo´s fault. Stiles tried to talk some sense into Scott. His best friend didn´t listen but went to track down Liam and Hayden. Malia went with him. Yeah, well, that ship had sailed. Malia followed the pack leader rather than the boy she had once claimed as her lover. He couldn´t say he was heartbroken, just disappointed.
My dad is asking a lot of questions. He knows I´m holding back with something. He looks sad because I don´t trust him. Yet I can´t tell him. I don´t want him to hate me. I don´t want him to look at me differently. I don´t want to lose him, too. I already lost you, didn´t I? Yeah. You. Scott. My Jeep. Malia. Not my dad. Please, God. Never my dad. I can´t handle all this shit without my dad.
Deputy sheriff Parrish was the hellhound, the one who was taking the bodies. Holy shit! Beacon Hills turned weirder every day. He told Lydia because she was the only one he still trusted. Lydia knew Parrish took the bodies to the nemeton. That meant another walk into the woods. He and Lydia argued if they should tell Parrish what they knew about him. Hey! He almost confessed what he´d done to Donovan. Almost. He couldn´t do that to Lydia. She had more than enough problems to deal with.
I see myself stabbed to death like Donovan. I see myself pay for my sins. I wanna hide in a corner and cry. I wanna run away from Beacon Hills and never come back. Maybe I should. Would you come back to me then? Would you at least start talking to me again? Why did you break your promise, huh? Have you forgotten about Beacon Hills and me? Have you found the life you were always looking for somewhere else?
Eventually the worst happened. Scott confronted him about Donovan. He tried to explain but Scott didn´t believe him. Scott showed him the wrench he had used to knock Donovan down. Fucking Theo! Fucking schemer! How could he miss that? No matter how much he pleaded, Scott would rather believe Theo. Damn him. The rain pouring down on him washed his tears away. What now? What options have I got left? Where can I go? What can I do?
On his way home the Jeep broke down. Yeah. His baby was done. So was he. He freaked out and smashed the windshield with the bloody wrench. He´d had enough. Right. He couldn´t deal anymore. He sat down and mourned. He mourned the losses of his life. He didn´t have any energy left. He was broken.
In the morning he called the wreckers. He had no choice. He got over himself then and called Malia to pick him up. He asked her to drive him to the sheriff station. He needed to talk to his dad. He was finally ready to tell him everything. He needed to heal.
Malia confessed she had guessed what had happened with Donovan. She had seen the bite mark on his shoulder, when he was sleeping. She wasn´t angry but sympathetic. "Sometimes you also mumbled a name." She paused. "Sourwolf."
He nodded, unmoved. His dad was all he could think about.
"It didn´t matter to me. That´s why I never said anything."
"Yeah, well, it matters to me." Right. I killed a human being and deserve to be punished. I took a life. He got out of the car without saying good-bye. He and Malia were over. That was a fact.
His dad was not at the station. He sat down in his office waiting for him. He wouldn´t postpone that talk again. Shortly after, all hell broke loose. Parrish escaped from his cell and burnt his way to freedom. He saved deputy hellhound from being shot on the spot and convinced the officers to let Parrish go. He followed the supernatural creature to a van full of bodies. Okay. He needed help. He couldn´t do this alone. He didn´t want to lose them.
He called Theo because Scott wouldn´t talk to him. Yeah. Stupid. He didn´t think he had a choice, or maybe he did, but wanted to wipe the slate clean once and for all.
Theo turned up and showed his true face. He wanted Stiles in his pack because he had been void Stiles. He did something to Stiles´s dad. He knew where the sheriff was. Theo forced him to choose between his dad and Scott.
Ugh...the nogitsune. No. Never again. He knocked Theo down. That felt so good he hit the bastard a few times. That felt like the best thing ever. The creep just laughed into his face. Yeah. Theo held every card and he had to give in. Of course he chose his dad. He could never not choose his dad.
He rushed to the disclosed location and found his dad laying in his own blood. Ohgodohgodohgod! Dad! He called out for help. He called out for Derek. Oh god. All the blood. Don´t die, please. Don´t do this to me. Please! He fumbled for his phone and called an ambulance. He bent over his dad and prayed. The last time he had done that was before his mom had died. He prayed out of sheer despair. He prayed for a miracle.
At the hospital Melissa took over. He couldn´t have done this without her. She was the angel of mercy. She calmed him down. She took care of everything. No. He didn´t want her to call anyone, particularly not Malia.
Melissa stayed as solid as a rock. She was the anchor he had lost a long time ago. Mom. I miss you so much. Tears were streaming down his face. He shed them for his dad, for his mom, and everything he had lost in a storm called Theo Raeken. He cried for the friends who weren´t here. No. This was not fair. He didn´t deserve this. His dad didn´t deserve this.
The news that Theo had formed a pack of Zombies to take over Beacon Hills didn´t come as a shock to him, but the sight of his once best friend entering the hospital did. Yes. He lost it. He attacked Scott, fuck, he screamed at him like a lunatic. He had every right to. Scott had trusted Theo more than him. That stupidity had gotten them into this shit. The pack destroyed. His dad in a life-or-death struggle. Lydia being taken to Eichen House. The dead rising. Scott had fucked up. Hitting him didn´t help to make him feel better, though. In the end he hurt himself.
Scott and Malia went with him into the tunnels to find a way to cure his dad. Fighting Theo´s pack he got knocked down, and dreamed of the past. The funeral of his mom, the crushing sadness, a soothing voice telling him to get up. At first he thought it was Derek. Well, the voice sounded just like him. He realized soon enough his dad was talking. Right. His dad put a hand on his shoulder comforting him. "You need to get up. Come on. You gotta get up now. You need to get up. Hey. You still got me."
He remembered the day he had put a hand on Derek´s shoulder to comfort him. He knew how much the werewolf needed a human touch to rip him away from utter despair. He knew because he had been there. Yeah. Right now he was feeling like that again.
Hey! My dad is okay. I´m okay.
He sobbed. God, yes. No. He couldn´t stop.
We talked about Donovan. He believes me. That I killed Donovan in self-defense.
Oh god. His dad didn´t hate him. His dad understood.
He said I have to forgive myself someday. Well, Derek? Doesn´t that sound familiar?
Okay. Calm down. You need your strength. There was still a lot of crap going on. Lydia was trapped in Eichen House. He and Scott treated each other like strangers. Sure. Scott had that coming but he still didn´t like it. Above all a beast was running free in Beacon Hills.
Theo dared to ask for their help. He wanted them to fight the new monster together. How dare he? That traitor. That scum.
Scott asked him to get their friends back into the pack. Ha! Sure. Nothing as easy as that, right? Scott must think he was some miracle worker.
So. Scott and he were kind of back to being friends. Duh! He was easy, wasn´t he? Yeah, well he had always been weak around people he loved. So what? Fact was they needed everyone to fight that beast, even the fucking creep Gerard. Holy Crap! Why was he back? He hated that bastard more than Theo. He was the goddamn antichrist.
Oh, hey. One small compensation. He had been able to fix the Jeep. Yes! His baby was running again. Right away he and Scott drove to the desert to find Kira. They talked about everything. Donovan. Theo. That Braeden was back in town. What! Are you kidding me? Couldn´t she say one word about Derek then and where he was or what had happened to him? God dammit! Nah. He wouldn´t ask where Derek was. He kept his mouth shut. He had to think about poor Lydia, as well as Malia who had a thing for Theo. Yeah. Beacon Hills. The perfect place for creepy love stories.
The day ended well enough. They saved Kira and her mom from the skinwalkers, though by mere luck. On the drive back home Scott and Kira kissed and declared their love for each other. Gah! That wasn´t helping him to feel better. He envied them for being together. He wanted the same. That was just natural, wasn´t it? He wanted to be with the one person he loved the most. The one who had vanished into thin air. Damn you, sourwolf. You promised.
He went to Eichen House, holding Lydia´s hand, trying to wake her up. He figured they had drilled a hole in her head. He freaked out. Lydia´s mom came in and said her daughter was in the best hands. He couldn´t believe his ears. What´s wrong with you? Don´t you see what they did to her? Don´t you worry at all? Are you fucking nuts?
They forced him to leave, yes, but he swore he would come back to get Lydia out of there. Next to Derek she was the one he loved. He wouldn´t abandon her. No. Never. He would save her.
Hey, big guy. Good news. Lydia is fine. Bad news. I hit my head. Like a lot. Not that there is any more damage possible. ;) Kidding!
Not so good. The beast is still running free.
Liam was injured and suffered tremendously, but Hayden took his pain away by kissing him. :o I might do that the next time I fear you´re dying. A much better way than hitting or slapping you, right?
*sigh* I hope there is a next time. Not the dying part, though.
Despite all the crap that is happening we keep going to school and playing Lacrosse. Can you imagine? People are fucking crazy. Okay. This town was always a bit on the wrong side.
I dared to ask Braeden about you. She just glared at me. Oh, hell. She thinks I´m a failure. She can´t understand what you see in me. Well, sometimes I don´t know what you see in me either.
Anyway. I feel the need to shake her until she tells me where you are. Okay. Maybe she doesn´t know. Maybe nobody knows. Maybe you don´t want anybody to know. You saw your chance to leave Beacon Hills behind you, and you did, right? I get it, you know, but I´m still mad at you.
He switched the phone off and rolled over. He needed to sleep if only for a few hours. He needed his strength for the battle that was coming. Tomorrow was either the day of success or death. Yeah. Sleep now. Worry about Derek later. Worry if you are still alive. God, why is my life such a mess? Why can´t I have nice things? Why do I have to suffer?
Hey, you. We are safe. The beast is gone. Malia´s bitch desert wolf mom was captured. Everybody is fine, oh, right, except for Theo. *sniggers* He is not so good, but, yeah, I can live with that.
Scott bit Hayden and she´s a real werewolf now. So. Liam is happy. The whole fucking pack is happy.
Okay. Not me. No. I keep pretending, because I still miss you like hell.
Uh, right, Kira went to the skinwalkers because she had promised to join them in exchange for their help. So. Scott´s suffering, too.
Right. Everyday life went on. School. Family. Friends. Chit chat in the library. The worries about College and the future lying ahead. His boyhood was coming to an end. Not that the future without Derek tasted inspiring in any way. Any future prospects tasted rather dull right now.
Hey, sourwolf! Is there any hope I will ever see you again?
Why did you break your promise? Seriously? Why, Derek? I trusted you. I loved you.
Hey, asshole. I hope you´re happy wherever you are. At least one of us is happy then.
Don´t you dare not to be happy. You hear me? I need you alive and happy.
He switched his phone off and gazed at the moon, dreaming of a time that slipped away.